Grues
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RUN FOR YOU LIVES!
Submitted By Ratchet on 12/07/29
Humor America, Ratchet, Documents 

( I found this online )

A grue (Gruesomicius ravenousi) is a box-shaped gap-toothed mammal known for eating humans, though more recently they have been known to kill certain lone wolves, construction workers, a gerbil or two, speranah, the occasional monkey, people who send annoying chain e-mails, your pets, and...well, Grues like eating a lot of things. Grues are not often seen roaming the wilderness in herds, whistling old-time Irish pub songs, working on crossword puzzles, and calculating the amount of back taxes owed by car salesmen. The reason Grues are not often seen doing anything is because grues live in total darkness, so the whole "seeing" thing would be kind of hard to do. The likelihood of being eaten by a grue is probably non-zero.

It is widely believed that all emeralds are grue, but in fact, all emeralds are bleen.

There are an estimated 47 grues left in the United States today due to the Grue conservation program - luckily all grues are kept under heavy rocks, or locked away in abandoned biker bars. Of course, being creatures of darkness that tend to eat anything they can get within range of, these numbers are likely inaccurate, outdated, or simply made up by the same people who tell us that pretty much everything causes cancer.

The game of Zork consists entirely of being repeatedly eaten by a grue.

 

Grue-Slaying

Grues cannot be killed with these things


<--A Grue's recent attack on the metropolis.
  • Guns, religious characters, fruit, air freshener, croissants, dubs, Pikachu, scented candles, chainsaws, Stalin, two cows, milk, martial arts, any sweet or sour foodstuffs, dentists, Democrats, Wikipedia, Uncyclopedia, explosions, Republicans, Karl Marx, Ben Affleck, the IRS, shoulder blades, chain mail, semen, gambling, swords[1], axes, Dick Cheney, Quail, Sugar-snout Beavers, Trix, pretzels, Neil's Bike, lances, ninjas, pirates, Ninjas, Pirates, or any combinations, the Anti-Ninja Organisation, the Anti-Pirate Organisation, the Anti-Pirate-Ninja Organisation, blind people, fat people, Tony Blair, goatse, SpongeBob SquarePants, Online RPG's, Pure Genius, Freddy Krueger, Freddy Grueger, Hummer H2s, 50 Cent asian people, 12 year olds invading the internet, Dan's Mum, Maozilla, Mozilla, sermons, speranah, cheesy poofs, system, pi, poop, wheelbarrows, Marth, kryptonite, Pinkie Pie, Jason Voorhees, butter knife, feet, Princess Celestia, Princess Zelda, King Harkinian, Bob The Builder, glade, air, water, brainstorming, The Big Lebowski, thou ungrateful whelp, Hand Grenade, or George. Attempting to use any of the above (even at the same time) in Grue-slaying will result in you being eaten by the grue.
  • In recent tests performed by experts who asked not to be named but were killed anyway, Grues CAN in fact be killed by ninjas. This however is extremely unlikely to happen outside of testing as Ninjas and Grues have made certain agreements about sharing the darkness (ninja-pirates are not included in this). However this was made without the knowledge of the anti-ninja coalition and the anti-anti-ninja coalition and has since then been proved untrue on account of the ninjas being orange.
It's a shame, nobody told the Stickfigures from the Anti-Grue Defense Army that Grues can't be killed with swords. Oh, well.

Grues can be killed with these things

<--The proper way to eat a grue.
  • Sporks, only if they are handled by the almighty potato.
  • Light, except when the plot demands that they don't.
  • They can also be killed by Hadokens, but that requires nine levels of Black Magery.
The first appearance of Grues.-->

*The Anti-comma, although it will not only destroy the grue, but explode the hell out of anything within 5 miles, thus not being very useful.

  • The Grue can be killed with most things on the LOWTDEBS, although they don't actually exist and should thus be disregarded.
  • The Grue can also be killed with abominably bad grammar. If you is grue; stops read before now, you eye start frys.
  • Grues can be killed by the Anti-Grue and its brilliant schemes and use of sarcasm, but unless you can summon the Anti-Grue, you're still screwed...
  • Grues can also be killed by eurgs, but that destroys the entire universe in the process, so nobody's ever tried it. Plus, carrying an eurg around with you invariably results in the eurg eating you.
  • Extreme sarcasm (yeah, right(!)) (Note: this risks killing everyone else in the vicinity)
  • Chuck Norris can kill Grues. No questions asked.
  • Ninja Chef eats Grues for dinner, although whether or not he kills them first is unknown. Also, eating grues for dinner is not a known way of killing them (cf Oprah)
  • Jack Thompson he can kill them by sueing them so much that they cannot eat anything because they're in court too much and they starve to death.
  • Jesus can kill them, because he can pwn anybody he wants to.
  • A method once tried for slaying a Grue is to attack it with your own Grue, but you should look at this table for the reasons why this is incredibly stupid.

Absolute-Best-Case Scenario You win the lottery, become a multi-millionaire, and do the impossible: eat both grues.
Better-than-best-case scenario You win the lottery and become a multi-millionaire... then get eaten
Best-case scenario Both of the Grues kill each other, which is near impossible.
Next-best-case scenario Your Grue kills the other one and eats you. You're dead, buuuut at least you killed a grue.
Worse-case scenario The other Grue kills your Grue and eats you. You're dead, and your Grue got its butt kicked.
Worst-case scenario Both Grues realize they've been tricked, then they team up and eat you. You're dead, and you were betrayed by your own Grue.
Worse-than-worse-case scenario You discover that one of the grues is actually an anti-grue, and the two collide to form an ubergrue. You're dead, you singlehandedly created an ubergrue, and the simultaneous energy release a sploded the universe. Good job.
Absolute-worst-case scenario (Removed)

Natural Habitat


The natural habitat of Grues.-->

Grues can be found in all the dark places of the world, your mom's cookie jar, for example. They also have been found in your basement and under the bed of bad little children who don't brush their teeth or eat their vegetables. One characteristic of Grue dwellings is that all of them contain an equal quantity of priceless treasure. Nobody knows for certain why this is so. The prevailing theory is that the presence of the treasure provides the Grues with a near-constant supply of adventurers to devour. An alternative theory reverses this relationship: since adventurers often carry treasures with them, and Grues cannot digest treasure, any treasure found in a Grue dwelling is merely detritus from its many meals.

Grue Subspecies

 
While not as square or deadly as their adult counterparts, baby Grues should never be handled.

Apart from the common grue (Gruesomicius ravenousi ravenousi), there are many, less common types.

Russian Grue (Gruesomicius ravenousi soviet)

“In Soviet Russia, Grue is likely to be eaten by YOU!!”
~ Russian Reversal on Grues

The rare Russian Grue can be killed by almost anything, and is common prey for oxen, weeds, cow tongues, sand castles, and lawyers. When a Russian Grue reproduces with a regular Grue, it will create a kitten. The reason for this is unknown to modern science. But who really wants to study the reproductive aspects of Grues? Not me!

Auld Grues (Gruesomicius ravenousi mediaevalis)


Se Grue doþ ned nan armour, for se Grue is impregnabel. Þus, se Ealden Grues ne am an life nu.------------------------------------------------------------------------>

Old Grues, seen on the left, were chivalrous and swordwielding knights, who would (unlike today's Grues) offer mercy and be courteous as the victim was eaten, usually offering a quick and painless death as opposed to fiery fangs and searing pains ripping through the enemy's body. Old Grues liked to rescue damsels, but this became a problem when the Grue was unable to resist eating the damsel. This was very troublesome for Old Grues and damsels stopped calling for help, afraid they would be eaten by an Old Grue. Real knights errant were really pissed off that they couldn't find any damsels anymore, so they took advantage of the Old Grues' mercy and non-ruthlessness and killed them all.

Ur-Grue (Gruesomicius superiori youhavediedii)

Scrawled in the margins of medieval bestiaries are descriptions of a single terrible and powerful grue spellcaster known as the Ur-Grue. It is said to be completely immune to all of the traditional Grue's weaknesses - it is constantly surrounded by magical darkness which nought but sunlight can penetrate, and most conventional weapons will either miss completely or cease to exist upon contact with its body. It is, however, partially vulnerable to extreme sarcasm. In addition to its fearsome natural armaments, the Ur-Grue is armed with a multitude of spells, such as cleesh (change foe to small amphibian), yozozzo (change foe into small duck), and onkik (unknown, possibly magic missile). The Ur-Grue is currently serving as the final boss of Zork, after usurping the position from the Grue King.

Others

For a short time, speranah were considered to be a subspecies of grue, but the person who suggested this was soon beaten to death and everyone forgot about it.

Though not technically a subspecies,"grue" is also a type of paste used exclusively in Japan (popularly manufactured by "Ehrmers".)

How to Deal With a Grue


<--The grue crossing signs proved an effective way to prepare drivers for an encounter.
  • Die.
  • Scream and die.
  • Scream, struggle, and die
  • Scream, run, struggle, and die.
  • Scream, run, struggle, look at a picture of Michael Jackson, and die.
  • Scream, run, struggle, listen to any emo song, look at a picture of Michael Jackson, and die.
  • Recite every line of Moby Dick in Italian. Grues love the Italian language, so it will subdue them for awhile. Of course when you are done reading, the grue will still eat you.
  • Sing one of Michael Bolton's classic songs. Grues hate Michael Bolton. Of course they will still eat you, but you can have the satisfaction of having irritated a grue.
  • Drink a glass of milk; 2.6% of grue are lactose intolerant, safe in the knowlege that the Grue will get diarrhea when it finally gets round to eating you, which is very quickly.
  • Use extreme sarcasm.
  • Build a sandcastle. It won't help at all, and you will be eaten, but it is a fun activity.
  • Cast Frotz. This only works for wizards, enchanters, and other magically-enabled people.
  • DON'T WANDER AROUND IN THE DARK, YOU MORON! Alternatively, light your torch.
  • It is a little known fact that Grues like hearing haikus. Therefore reciting a haiku to a grue will extend your life by 17 syllables.
  • Wrap a towel around your head. Although the grue will still eat you, it will make the postprandial cleanup easier. Plus, if you have telepathy you will be able to see the grue while it eats you.
  • Yell for your mum over and over again until you die.
  • Strip naked and perform an ancient Mayan rain dance, and pray that the rain distracts the grue.
  • Call for a republican, and die.
  • Summon Chuck Norris. This is not a very effective method though, because chuck norris is likely to wait until you are eaten so that he will get a show, and a kill.

One example of how to deal with Grues is shown here.

Some people recommend turning on the lights, as according to the legend this will cause the grue to 'melt away.' Clearly this course of action is futile and should not be undertaken by any means. For a start, it is logically impossible for a creature to 'melt away' on exposure to light; notwithstanding, the Great Ice Creature of Neptune. Furthermore, as shown by Darwin, only mutated Grues which can survive light will survive, and eventually only these mutant Grues will be left, thus leaving the human populace with no weaponry to take them down. It is how ever possible to kill a Grue with a Republican (see the section of using a grue to defend yourself from a grue), as they usually carry guns and love hunting. A T.V. can cause a Grue to melt away as they are allergic to non-natural sounds.

Try throwing a small child to it, in a desperate attempt to escape.-->

It is recomended that you always keep a republican and a T.V. in your home to kill the Grues that you see on near your home. However, this is not reliable, as most Grues are also Republicans (due to their strong belief in eating those weaker than themselves), so it may turn out your republican is a grue and they may both turn around and eat you. Sacrifice yourself to a Grue today so your children can melt them tomorrow!


Another alternative is to move to Russia. In Soviet Russia, YOU eat Grue! It should be noted, however, that the Russian Grue is a subspecies of the common Grue.

Grue and other names

Some also know grues as "Domo-kun", due to parody site Wikipedia's Domo-kun article. Domo-kun is also a robot, which never secseded cause of the mijorety of grues aka domo.

Just as there is an antichrist for Jesus, there is an Anti-Gruefor the Grue. Though the topic is debated, there is
believed to be only one Anti-Grue in existence. The Anti-Grue is said to possess great powers. Some include, but are not limited to, the following: mowing the lawn, baking chocolate chip cookies with M&m's and an assortment of human flavored worms, telekinesis, brewing rum, and eating crackers. It is speculated that The Anti-Grue dwells in the core of the Earth, waiting for an opportunity to fulfill its destiny. The Anti-Grue passes its time waiting by honing its skills in the usage of extreme sarcasm, a well known weakness to Grues. The Anti-Grue is said to have a much different appearance than a Grue, but as nobody living has seen it, this cannot be confirmed. In The Anti-Grue Prophecies, a series of books written by Donald Trump in 2012, it is described that in the year 2011, The Anti-Grue shall rise to the surface and assume complete control of the known universe. The prophecy also states that the Grues will start an epic battle which will last 37,234.859624356921 years against The Anti-Grue. Many experts have suggested that this would completely destroy the country of Pakistan, as well as producing a massive surplus of cranberries.

It has been hypothesized that in times of great and dire need, one who is well-versed in the art of lemonade, can summon The Anti-Grue. In addition, the individual must prove themselves worthy through 14 grueling (or rather, anti-grueling) (Anti-grueling... yeh right) tests of Faith in The Anti-Grue. It is unlikely that anyone on Earth has the qualifications as of now, but it is believed Bruce Lee is close. It is said in The Anti-Grue Prophecies that if summoned, The Anti-Grue would throw the world into an ice age, and destroy all souvenir shops in Costa Rica. This, of course, would greatly anger the Grue population, as they make up the Costa Rican Oligarchy. Before the Grues could attack, The Anti-Grue would buy out Marlboro cigarettes, and sell them to the Grues, killing them of lung cancer and emphysema. Then, the apocalypse would occur, and The Anti-Grue would migrate to Sweden, as the Swedes would survive the apocalypse because of their lack of souls. The balance in the universe would not be at peace once again.

Although Anti-Grue has an incurable, vicious case of chlamydia, she takes medication regularly. That, with immaculate genitalia the Anti-Grue can not be stopped. niether can it's overwhelming supply of varios flavours of ridiculously shaped cookies.

The only person known to pass the tests to summon the Anti-Grue is the Anti-Grue's all-powerful, Oprah-hating nephew.

It is alleged that Professor Steven Hawking of the Mangina institute has the knowledge of a special dance to summon the all powerful Anti-Grue but for obvious reason lacks the ability to perform said dance.

Longcat's evil anti-opposite 'Tacgnol' has created Anti-Grues in the way past. Most of them died for no reason. Thus leaving one.

What To Do If You Ever See The Anti-Grue

This, of course, is completely irrelevant. You can NEVER see The Anti-Grue, as he moves at a speed of Mach-Fleventy Million miles per hour. However, if you see a flaming red object shoot out of the ground, you better run. The only place where you could possibly be safe from The Anti-Grue is in a Burger King, as The Anti-Grue is allergic to the Texas Whopper. If you do go to the restaurant, if you really want to live, you better buy The Anti-Grue some goddamn curly fries(or cookies with various flavours of people in worm shaped gummies), and then he just might spare you. If you're not near a Burger King, you have one choice: curl up in a fetal position and await your inevitable death. Of course suicide might be a better option, since if he likes the sound of you he might use you as his personal sex slave. He likes em when they're feisty (or eating pie) .

The best way to protect yourself from the Anti-Grue is to not live in Chicago. Chicago has no Burger Kings, and it also has the largest population of Grues in America (Barack Obama is known to house gruepie,and grues love gruepie). The Chicago Grue has evolved past the average Grue's limitations and can walk in broad daylight (as long as he is wering a glass airdome like sandy cheeks and a pressure suit). This makes it a very likely place to see the Anti-Grue, most likely trying to feed the Chicago Grues hot dogs with catsup, their only weakness. Also, Chicago doesn't have any Burger Kings. Seriously.

The Eurg-Itna

OHNOES!
<--“The eurg-itna probably 8 itself and caused something dimensional portal related. Hopefully that portal doesn't lead here.”
~ User:Srn347 on eurg-itna

Some people believe in the legendary Eurg-Itna, a mystical creature who, believers say, will one day rise from the huge crater where the Anti-Comma and Comma met, and destroy all unworthy and distrustful grues, eurgs,ubergrues and the anti-grue, Jesus, Bananarama, and rick astley (yes, that's right, NO ONE IS SAFE.), before proceeding to eat Nom Nom Nom... humanity, dooming mankind, and ending life as we know it. Unfortunately, unlike it's distant relative, the Anti-Grue, the Eurg-Itna WILL NOT GIVE YOU COOKIES. or a pen. One of the only things that can kill Eurg-Itna is Kratos or Kenny McCormick

How to Destroy An Eurg-Itna

It is possible to hurt the Eurg-Itna. The only thing you can do, is feed it cookies with catsup and it will asplode. Or you can summon Kratos but either you'll be killed before doing so, or you'll find out you don't have enough money to summon him(the fee is RIDICULOUSLY HIGH!!!!!) and then you'll die. BUT if you do summon him successfully Kratos will kill the Eurg-Itna in 5 nanoseconds, just pray to every God you know of that Kratos wont annihalate everything (and i do mean EVERYTHING) in existence inluding existence itself excluding himself since he has a REALLY bad habit of taking things WAAAAAAAAAAAAY to far in a fight.

What happens when a Grue, an Eurg, and the Anti-Grue collide?!

Weird Al once tried to set an Eurg against an Anti-Grue. He beat it (or ate it) shortly afterward so as not to wind up inside one of them, so the results are not known, but it is known that nine months later the Eurg gave birth to the world's first Anti-Eurg. The universe lost a lot of cheese, but Weird Al, being somewhat nerdy, had it on backup.

This is the Mega-Gruyurg.-------------------------------------------------------->

When these monsters all come in contact, it will create the Mega-Gruyurg. Apparently, Grue+Eurg=ASPLODE! But the effect of certain chemicals in the Anti-Grue's body voids it out. Yet, the power of the Grue's and Eurg's collision is too powerful, and still has the ability to at least bend things in the universe in a 20 foot radius. Most of the time, only the grues are occupying the 20 foot area. The power mixes around the universe in the area, universally morphing the three monsters together into the Mega-Gruyurg. Words can't describe what it looks like, in English. A good word to call it is IMGONNADIEHELPME!!!. The Mega-Gruyurg is the most powerful thing ANYWHERE (Not counting Kratos, Chuck Norris, Kenny McCormick, God, The Flying Spaghetti Monster, Mega Man, Zeus and Godzilla, all of which can kill it easily). It has the divine power of getting rid of powers, shooting lightning from its mouth, and expanding its jaws, its mighty, terrifying jaws. The Only way of stopping it, is by getting rid of the Mega-Gruyurg (Throwing it somewhere into space), however, any being within a 5000 light-year radius will be eaten/stomped/destroyed/asploded. There has been only 1 being in the whole Universe that has been able to stop it (Besides Kratos): Grue Norris(the offspring of Chuck Norris and a Grue, the titanic battle will however, asplode the universe, and even other Universes). AND TURN US ALL INTO COOKIES!!!!!!!!!!


Luckily this never happened. it cannot come back EVER

Erugs 


This is what an Eurg looks like after it has eaten you.-->

Eurgs are the antipode to grues, also known as nega-grues. "Antipode" is a very old Latin word meaning "equally nasty little creature that is the opposite of this nasty creature". Eurgs are quite the opposite of grues in every aspect. Except for one. They still want to eat you. You thought you could get off easy, didn't you? Too bad! Eurgs are about 42 feet high, and are bleen. There are 74 eurgs currently living in the United States. This would qualify them for "endangered species" but eurgs don't like environmentalists. At least not without ketchup. Besides, it's not like you'll kill one anytime soon. Unlike grues, which should always be kept away from water and never be fed after midnight (unless they decide to feed themselves of course), eurgs needs to be kept away from air and never be fed during an odd numbered week or a leap year. Since these rules are almost impossible to be followed, you're pretty much screwed anyway...

What Are Eurgs, Anyway?

This is an Eurg, note the opposite color scheme of a Grue.-->

Where do Eurgs Come From?

Eurgs come from the planet Notpyrk. They developed superpowers after learning how little they resembled grues. They then decided to become monsters in their own right. Eurgs come to earth in UFOs, and an estimated 90% of their landing sites are in the nothing belt. This is why UFOs can be seen flying over the nothing belt.

Eurgs live in the nothing belt because unlike Grues, they can survive from eating large amounts of nothing. In fact, Eurgs are the only animals in the world that can live off eating nothing. This leads many to believe Eurgs are vegetarians. They are soon eaten by Eurgs for dessert. Heads are a favorite food among Eurgs because they contain healthy amounts of nothing but still taste great.

How Can I Recognize an Eurg?

 
An Eurg about to prey on a not so famous Cinos.-->

Frankly, you can't. By the time you are close enough to recognize an eurg, it will already have eaten you. It may possible, though, to recognize them by their esophageal lining, however, data from our recent study of this has yet to be returned. Always a stickler for accuracy, we at Uncyclopedia have sent several of our editors to be eaten by eurgs and grues, in order to record the differences in esophageal lining between the two. As stated above, however, it's been 5 years and they still haven't returned. We wonder what happened to them. As for their physical features, eurgs are bright blue, have white eyes, and strongly resemble This Guy. They can usually be found around photons, and although most eurgs are afraid of the dark, that doesn't really stop them from eating you in dark places.

Eurg Dlo

Eurg Dlos were evil and shieldcarring Dragons,who offered no mercy and were very brutal when eating enemies,usually forcing a slow painful death as opposed to painlessness. Eurg Dlos liked to imprison damsels, then eating them.They are still around,as the attacks were blamed on Old Grues.

Eurg munitlU

The Eurg munitlUs were idiots compared to its antipode, they mutilate themselves like emos, and everything that cannot kill the Ultinum Grues can kill the Eurg munitlUs. The only thing is that if one is killed, the Ultinum Grues come rampaging and kills the killer. That was found out by the unfortunate killer, Nosckaj Laehcim. Cause is unknown.

What Should I Do If I See an Eurg?

Don't be stupid. Just die already.

What Happens When an Eurg and a Grue Collide?

When a Grue and an Eurg come in contact, they will merge to form an Ubergrue. No one has ever seen it happen because the Ubergrue will instantly obliterate everything in the area, even people that are immune to grues. To avoid more Ubergrues, which would lead to the death of everyone, people spread the rumor that it would asplode the universe.

Eurgs will always avoid contact with Grues, so the only known method of not being eaten by an Eurg is being eaten by a Grue first. This is fairly easy to do. William Shakespeare wrote a play entitled Romeurg and Gruliet about an Eurg boy and a Grue girl who fell in love and died a horrible, painful death when their parents asploded them to stop them from turning into an Ubergrue and eating them.

What Happens When an Eurg and an Anti-Grue Collide?

“So, a Grue, an Anti-Grue, and an Eurg walk into a bar...”
~ NoahTheSlash on Having no regard for sanity

Nobody knows. Although it is a known fact that the collision of Grues and Eurgs will create an Ubergrue, and the collision of Grues and Anti-Grues will probably result in either nothing or universal asplosion, nobody knows what happens when Eurgs and Anti-Grues collide.

  • A simple formula for this is as follows:

Sin(GRU) = Eurg/Grue

Cos (GRU) = Anti-Grue/Grue

Tan(GRU) = Eurg/Anti-Grue

Cosec(GRU) = ASPLODE!11!!!!1!!!

Sec(GRU) = ASPLODE!1!!!!111!!

Cot(GRU) = ?!??!??WTFMONKEYS?!1!!

  • New eye-witness developments:

Recently, Mr. Ai P. Freely and Mr. Ollie Te'Boogar have witnessed the highly unpredictable collision of an Eurg and an Anti-Grue. Apparently, they meld to form a Eurg-ish Zorkmid, and create another rip in time and space at the Flood Control Dam #3. It's not known if this is reliable, as both men were shortly eaten thereafter. Apparently it has a taste for idiotic people. If so, this new breed is a danger to everyone except the zombie of Albert Einstein and George Bush, who is so stupid that when eaten, he will in fact cause the new breed to suddenly burst in a shower of grues, eurgs, and anti-grues. And fluffy kittens.

  • ALSO: Daleks are deathly afraid of the meeting of an Eurg and an Anti-Grue. Apparently they hate meeting their family.

Ubergrue 

 A typical Ubergrue in its natural habitat. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------VVVVV 

An Ubergrue[Hellicarnatussi Shittidiekill] is a creature resembling a Grue, and a member of the Grue family 

(though not actually a Grue itself). They got their name because they were originally thought to be Grues, but like Eurgs and the Anti-Grue, they are not. They are made of both normal awesomnium and antimatter awesomnium, hence the uberness. They are the most powerful animals in existence. They are so powerful that the mere mention of them caused all the characters in Harry Potter to have a heart attack and die. They are SO powerfull that they could not only eat the entire Universe, they could eat every universe, including all of time, and keep themselves alive. The only known suvivor from a Ubergrue encounter is Domo-Kun, don't ask how, cause he won't explain and he'll just try to eat you instead.

Common traits

There are approximately 12 Ubergrues universewide, which is even less than there are Eurgs. These numbers are obtained by dropping video cameras into their natural habitat, as no one has ever seen an Ubergrue directly and lived. Like Eurgs, they could be added to the endangered species list but those who wanted to say anything died out of fear of the mere thought of an Ubergrue. Despite this there are still environmental groups who want to create more Ubergrues, even though they have a bad impact on the environment. Typical environmental groups. Their presence can be felt when severe earthquakes occur and everyone in an area asplodes without explanation.

They can survive anywhere. At all. One of their most common habitats (perhaps a vacation resort) is the void. Those which prefer to hunt Eurgs live in the nothing belt. The Ubergrues have no natural predators and so they walk around killing everything. It's a lot of fun, too. Can you imagine walking around as a giant monster crushing everything? Sadly you cannot become an Ubergrue.

Birth

No one knows how Ubergrues are created, although there are several theories concerning it.

  • When a Grue and an Eurg come in contact, the collective pwnage causes them to merge into an Ubergrue. The theory of universal asplosion is a myth created by people who were afraid of Ubergrues. I mean, come on, you think Grues and Eurgs never came in contact? Pfft.
  • An Ubergrue is the offspring of a Grue and an Eurg (this would imply the Grue is the male and the Eurg is the female). This theory was rejected because of the nature of Ubergrues to eat Grues and Eurgs.
  • Ubergrues are immortal and have been around forever. Although it's generally agreed that they are immortal, this fails to explain their increasing population.
  • They are the offspring of Adolf Hitler. However scientists claim this theory as Bull.
  • It is said that Tacgnol has created an Ubergrue and maybe even it's opposite before. He has created a few Anti Grues though.

 

Behavior

Just as Grues eat humans (and to a lesser extent kittens), Ubergrues are so powerful they can even eat Grues. Unfortunately this still doesn't spare you from being eaten by an Ubergrue. If you are fortunate and the Ubergrue is full from eating Grues all day, he won't eat you. He will, however, crush your skull in with his foot so he can come back and eat your rotting corpse later. These corpses are often eaten by Scavenger Grues.

As Grues live in the dark of caves or dungeons and Eurgs live in whatever habitat best suits them at that point in time, Ubergrues can live in both the light and the dark. They cannot be killed with standard Grue-killing or Eurg-killing weaponry, or even extreme sarcasm. They have all the strengths of both Grues and Eurgs, and you cannot become immune to their attacks. This means you are basically screwed. Ubergrues are screwed when they meet Petunia.

What to do When an Ubergrue is After You

Die. There is a 99.99% chance of the Ubergrue successfully eating you and a 100% chance of death. If, however, an Ubergrue is not after you (which is probably the case since you are not yet dead), there are a few proven methods to kill an Ubergrue.

Ways to kill an Ubergrue

  • Use Ununoctium against them. Ununoctium is their weakness. But Ununoctium is so insanely high on the periodic table that the only way to get it is through a particle collider, but good luck getting one of those. If by some chance you do get it you need to be fast since ununoctium got a half-life time of about a millisecond. Good luck.
  • Bionicle. The sheer cheesiness, lameness, boredom, extremely horrible jokes they have to explain, and epic amounts of failure will overpower the Ubergrue, causing it to die. This is because the Ubergrue has developed a resistance to bionicle, everything else within a 50 mile radius will die twice. Including you. Make sure it's a movie or comic book, action figures won't work and just cause you to waste money.
  • The T-80 can kill a Ubergrue by activating its flight mode, then land into the Ubergrues faces, the driving around, then flying again, then repeating this process until the Ubergrue tells you that the Chuck Norris Meme is getting old (Which is true), then you fire the cannon at him (Not because he said that Chuck Norris was getting old, just because he wanted to eat you), this will usually work, if it doesn't, then the Ubergrue will sprout out something offending towards Oscar Wilde, in which case you just park on top of the Ubergrue, then hit of the head with a Lead Pipe.
  • The Dread Tiamat is Capable of even killing the fabled Devil-Grue. It uses capsules filled with win [aka. nukes] to power all of it's weapons, the greatest of which is a beam made of pure EPIC WIN. The only problem is that it belongs to the american empire, which would never give you the keys.

Things that cannot kill an Ubergrue

  • Any human beings. No matter how smart/stupid/strong/weak/good/evil/powerful. Not even celebrities, but we encourage saying otherwise since no one likes them. (Note: This does not include anyone that is related to jib, or Chuck Norris, Kratos or Kenny McCormick)
  • In fact, no one even vaguely resembling a human can kill them.(Note: This does not include anyone that is related to jib, or Chuck Norris, Kratos or Kenny McCormick)
  • Ubergrues cannot kill themselves, or even get paper cuts. Their skin is made of small diamonds (one of the hardest metals)((because, as we all know, diamonds are a form of metal)), unless a large, preferably nuclear weapon is used.
  • Anything of less power than a gigantic nuclear black hole explosion cannot kill an Ubergrue. Gigantic nuclear black hole explosions can, but good luck getting one of those.
  • DON'T misspell the name of the Oobergroo. It just ticks them off until they hunt you down and drag you to -GAH!!! MY ARM!!! AAAAAARGH!!!CHEESE!!!! <crunch>

What to do in the extremely likely scenario that you are confronted with the near-mythical Ubergrue that is about to eat you

  • Die. Yes, that is literally your only option.
  • Like summoning a small child to escape Grues and Eurgs, this will add a few seconds to your life. But given your ability to summon Grues, you should be able to keep doing it over and over until the Ubergrue gets full and crushes your skull. At least you killed some Grues. Provided they don't eat you first, which they probably will. Unless you're on a cliff and you summon Grues over the edge so they fall and cant get to you...
<--Relative size of Ubergrues, Grues, and humans. Or at least a stick figure, but he's the same size as a human. This image also accurately depicts the food chain.

Comparisons With Other Members of the Grue Family

  • Ubergrues eat Grues. Ubergrues eat Eurgs. If an Ubergrue meets the Eurg-Itna, since the Eurg-Itna is taking things way too far the Ubergrue will kill it and eat it. Please DON'T disregard the information in the point above. Weird Al found out that it was an idiot who wrote that point down. Weird Al, having the Universe in backup, found out that when an Ubergrue meets the Mega-Gruyurg, the Ubergrue scampers off like a scared kitten. Don't ask me why, no one knows for sure, but it sure made a good choice. The Mega-Gruyurg just mutters to itself, calling the Mega- coward a Stone-headed Coward and trots off somewhere else.

Mythical Variations of Ubergrues

The discovery of Ubergrues led to several myths about them, however there is only one type of Ubergrue (although many subspecies). Below are the supposed variations of Ubergrue, proven false.

 

The only known image of an Eurgrebu. Because the person who took this picture died a slow and painful death. No remains of the man left, because no one decided to find the Eurgrebu, at least the people who are alive.-->
  • The Eurgrebu. Possibly the most common mythical Ubergrue, this makes no sense. Since Eurgs are the opposite of Grues, a Eurgrebu would logically be the opposite of an Ubergrue. However since Ubergrues are a cross between Eurgs and Grues, the opposite of an Ubergrue would be itself. So therefore all Ubergrues could also be Eurgrebus, however since Ubergrue sounds way cooler we use that name. However, this has a flaw. Grue-combination is not commutative. Eurgrebus = Ubergrues with a cooler color scheme. Legends say that the evil anti opposite of Longcat, Tacgnol, has created a Ubergrue along with a Eurgrebu.

In popular culture

  • In the computer game Abyss, An Ubergrue is the "final boss", but it has been renamed the "Ultra-Grue" Because clearly Unfocom didn't like the word "Uber".

Famous Ubergrues

The grim reaper reaper is a famous Ubergrue who kills grim reapers. Domo-kun is a Ubergrue created by the God of the Grues to look like a ordinary Grue, unite all Grue species and sub-species, then lead them against Amy Rose, Chuck Norris, Mr. T, and all other entities that would stand against the resultant Grue Galactic Empire, with Domo-Kun as Emperor Palpagrue, and the Grim Reaper Reaper as Darth Grueder.

Cthulhu is the only ubergrue to ever go to college. It currently resides in its sunken vacation home in R'lyeh.

Garith Hwrang, a blazing red ubergrue, is the only ubergrue that has university degrees. Genetics, Sociology, and Physics. He even took it to the Quantum Physics. This allowed him shape-shift. He's the only one in the entire grue family that doesn't not eat humans... Rather he's a vegetarian.

último Grue

If you meet this thing, you are eternally screwed. There is only one of its entire kind. It also has only been encountered 5 times. It also only happens to have the abilty of speech in the Latin language. This grue will not eat you when encountered, but will instead use you as its toothpick for eternity(unless you have an IQ below 170); imagine that for eternity. Luckily, however there is one upside of this, the ununoctium in its saliva will turn you immortal. Its saliva was used to create so called "ambrosia" to turn the local farmers in to so called gods in ancient Greece. How they got its saliva is unknown due to the known fact that the último Grue will incinerate everything on an entire planet, Greeks alao have an average IQ of -170(the exact opposite IQ required for being used as an eternal toothpick). So this event that occurred is logically impossible.

It has long been theorized that the último Grue was created between a near impossible merge between an Ubergrue and an Eurgrebu. How this is possible is not known because these two things hate each other, plus the universe would asplode.

It's diet consists of ubergrues, anti grues, eurgs, grues, eurgrebus, Domos, emperors(galactic ones), people with an IQ of 169 0r less, idiots, bakas, n00bs, fools, Haruhi suzumiyah(if it meets her), the author, mudkips, other Pokemon, Hitler(if it could), Nazis, Germany, moons, entire planets, stars... The list goes on for an insanely long time, and if you are stupid enough to find out, it will take over 9000 years to read (basically they eat almost everything ).

Grue hunting 

  Grue Hunting----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------VV 

Grue hunting is generally a hopeless endeavour, as Grues live in total darkness, and are not often seen. The

reason Grues are not often seen doing anything is because Grues live in total darkness, so the whole "seeing" thing would be kind of hard to do. The likelihood of being eaten by a Grue is probably non-zero, making Grue-hunting a dangerous activity suited only for billionaire yuppies that people want to be rid of anyways.
 

The Grue Problem


<--We must crush the Grue rebellion.

Grues, like popular belief suggests, cannot be hunted down unless you have a way of reducing the chance of being eaten by a grue to lower than non-zero, and even then, it's still pretty risky. One good way of doing this is to be able to see in the dark. However, every method researched for learning to see in the dark calls for the learner to spend expansive amounts of time in the dark, drastically increasing the likelihood of being eaten by a Grue from probably non-zero to much higher than non-zero. If you are serious about hunting Grue's, the following contains various made-up information that will nevertheless delay your being eaten by a Grue by a few seconds (or less).

What Is A Grue?

A Grue (Gruesomicius ravenousi) is a box-shaped gap-toothed mammal known for eating adventurers, grue hunters and are often times sent by God to kill kittens when a random 12 year-chipmunk is swimming in its boxers. Grues are not often seen roaming the wilderness in herds, whistling old-time Irish pub songs, working on crossword puzzles, and calculating the amount of back taxes owed by car salesmen.

The Many Types of Grues

Grues come from many lands and each must be dealt with differently. A complete list of the species and sub-species of Grues can be found above.

Russian Grue

Russian Grues are the weakest kind of Grue and should be dealt with accordingly, when hunting this type of Grue make sure to bring at least one of these items:

  • a n00b to pwn the Russian Grue with his l33t sniping skills.
  • An Eurg.
  • A Fiveseven.
  • any other object or creature that has an iq above 5

As you can see from this list, Russian Grues are extremely weak and are of little threat, unless of course you are a wimp, if so then go away.(NOW)!

Nazi Grues

Nazi Grues are different from regular Grues in the way that they kill, instead of simply eating their victims which are mainly very diverse and belong to a large variety of religions, they will use tanks, bombs, and biological weapons to eliminate them. One known weakness is American Army Rangers.

Signs of Nazi Grue- Nazi propaganda, red suspenders and Bovarian White Sausages.

Ur-Grues

Ur-Grues are not to be taken lightly, the strongest of all Grues, can use many spells and potions, little known weaknesses, can be weakened by very very extreme sarcasm, Captain Obvious can be used against the Ur-Grue, Captain Obvious' obviousness may be mistaken for very very extreme sarcasm and may weaken the Ur-Grue. Sadly there is no proven method for killing the Ur-Grue. Ur-Grues are very fond of rumpots, crackpots, and how are you today, Mr. Wilson? You should become suspicious when you notice that your entire city has been flattened, or you notice a giant grue as tall as a sky scraper huffing you. There is a theory that if Captain Obvious, and Mr. Obvious, two completely different people that are not the same person, teamed up it is possible that their combined sarcasm could defeat the Ur-grue, although this theory has been proven through research, Mr. Obvious and Captain Obvious, have very complex schedules and can never make the time to appear together. Some have begun to question this and have asked "Why?", Captain Obvious would then respond "Isn't it obvious?", and then walk away.

Anti-Grue

The Anti-Grue is to the Grue what Satan is to Jesus, since it is the "anti" or opposite of the common grue, it should be extremely slow, incapable of mowing the lawn and baking delicious cookies and unable to eat crackers, the Anti-Grue is not the opposite of the Grue though, it is thought that some n00b editor typoed and wrote "anti" instead of "antie". The name stuck, this greatly angered the Anti-Grue, causing her to march against the Noob, she attacked but was not ready for the supreme awesomeness of the Guy Who Didn't Whore Himself Through Links Like Most Editors, he used all of the techniques in the book and some he just made up. He successfully tore off the Anti-Grue's apron and stole her cookies. Although she was weakened she was not dead yet, so he used his ultimate weapon, bullying, something surprisingly no one had thought of before, he made jokes on the Anti-Grue's name and color, especially the way Anti and Aunty sound the same. The Anti-Grue was defeated and ran like hell. The only real sign of the Anti-Grue is the presence of a Grue that looks like it was dunked in Pepto-Bismol and the strong smell of cookies.

Indonesian Grue

The Indonesian grue is the smartest and richest grue above any species of grue!!. You can kill them by using use extreme sarcasm and singing emo song. And the most important is giving money to them. Signs of Indonesian grue:

  • Blood. Human blood.
  • Emo song. It means the grue already kill somebody, or somebody just save from the grue.
  • Incorrect English just like this article. It means I'm already dead because of grue.

Ubergrue

Just know one thing: You will be dead soon.

ur ubergrue

An ubergrue inficted with magic, basicly your screwed for life(and afterlife)

On with the hunt!

So you have read the above and decided to hunt grues anyway (we will notify your next of kin). We suggest you start with the basic grue and work your way up until you become an expert Grueslayer. The standard grue lives in the dark so be sure to turn off all sources of light before you proceed. You will know a Grue is near by when the following text inexplicably appears in front of your face "It is pitch black. You are likely to be eaten by a Grue." The experienced hunter will be able to locate a grue based on the horrible gurgling sound they make. You however are not an experienced hunter (or you wouldn't be reading this) so we suggest you eat something first so you don't confuse it with your stomach rumbling.

You've Found a Grue, Now What?

The average person would run screaming or at least turn on a light. You however are not the average person, you hunt grues after all. The standard Grue can only be killed (reliably) by one of three methods each with advantages and disadvantages.

Extreme Sarcasm

First there is Extreme sarcasm. The advantage to using Extreme sarcasm is that it will destroy all grues in the area. The disadvantages are that it may also kill nearby humans and shred the fabric of space and time. Therefore it is advised that Extreme sarcasm only be used in sparsely populated areas where damage will be kept to a minimum. It also requires a razor sharp wit and complete lack of compassion making it difficult to master for beginners. It also ought to be mentioned that, in the event of an natural smile being let out during the act of extreme sarcasm, the Grue will pounce immediately; it is therefore advisable to have undergone a complete Botoxing before attempting to kill a Grue in this way, as the Grue will simply see a Hollywood smile.

Light Cannon

Next we have the Light cannon. The advantage to the Light cannon is that does little collateral damage while charring grues to a crisp. The disadvantages to the Light cannon are numerous. Light cannons have high energy consumption and as such spend their batteries very quickly, solar powered models are available but require brightly lit areas in order to function. Light cannons also require precise targeting, a wounded grue is an angry grue. Finally due to the intense light out put users of the Light cannon are at a much higher risk for skin cancer and blindness. One other gun, which was a light cannon-now-turned-machine-gun, was modified too fit Chuck Norris.

Frotz

Finally we have the Frotz spell. The advantage to the Frotz spell is that it combines the lack of required targeting of Extreme sarcasm with the low collateral damage of the light cannon. The disadvantage of the Frotz spell is that it requires years of magical study to perform without the use of a wand and like most spells may be subject to the approval (and fees) of the local wizards guild.

WARNING

As with all weapon there is some chance of failure and their use may be outlawed in your area. Check with local law enforcement first! The above weapons have only been tested on standard grues. The authors are not responsible for the weapons failure to effect other grues or the eurg. The authors responsible for death by misadventure nor are the authors responsible people (if they were you would not be reading this article).

Hunting Other Grues

Eurg

The Eurg is the polar opposite of the common Grue except for one thing, they both want to eat you. Much controversy has arisen because of the fact that the Eurg and Grue are not polar opposites. Many simply say that they are just opposite colors, this however is not completely true.

Since Eurgs live in the light, its pretty hard to kill them with weapons with any of the above methods. Reverse extreme sarcasm is proven to be one of the most effective ways to kill Eurgs. They have trouble surviving the dark, so sometimes you can blow up their light source at night. This leaves you vulnerable to Grue attack, so you better do it in a region without Grues.

Ubergrue

Some writers suggest that humans are The Most Dangerous Game. They are idiots. Ubergrues are the most dangerous things anywhere, ever. So poweful that they can eat Grues and Eurgs. While other relatives have lots of weaknesses, an Ubergrue has barely any. The only way to kill them without killing yourself is with Ununoctium, and Ubergrues have kept Ununoctium so insanely high on the periodic table that no one even recognizes that it exists. Your chances of actually getting some are little to none, so you should reserve Ubergrue hunting until you ha ve lost the will to live and/or are useless to society.

 Keep a television nearby and play a bionicle movie. The movie will kill anything nearby, which includes you and hopefully an Ubergrue. Only use this as a last resort, because the only way to dispose of a bionicle trap is via nuclear bomb.
 
Domo-Kun
A Domo-kun is a gap-toothed Japanese toy which bears an uncanny resemblance to the Grue, which is the most dangerous monster in the game of Zork. Speaking of which...
You have been eatan by a grue
 
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